Interesting how everything can change in just 5 months.

I'm no longer depressed.
I'm proud to say I've overcome that ridiculous session in my life. I haven't cut myself since sometime in august. Mrs. Brooks called me out on it and I quit completely after that.
Mrs. Brooks doesnt really talk to me anymore. She must be busy with her kids and her new school.
I don't know what happened but something just clicked inside of me and I now have the thirst to live. I started school again and fell back into my normal state: awesome. Except this time I was better than before. I was kind of fighting to stay happy in September but I felt pretty good after that.
One thing that changed things for me was my art teacher Mr. Lyons. He gave this speech about how much better things could be if we were nice to eachother and how much of an impact we could have by doing positive things. He talked for an hour and I was completely mesmerized and inspired. For the first two weeks after that I was nothing but nice to everyone I met but I feel myself slipping back into my old ways.
I think it will be my new years resolution to change for good.
By the way, I see Mr. Lyons as my hero now. I do plan to be just like him when I grow older and I hope to be like him attitude wise now.
Just thought I'd update this silly blog to announce my recovery and what not.
Stay positive all.

What is happening.

Why am i stupid? I wished. and wished. and wished. and now i'm panicking, because you asked me out for dinner? that's a strange offer but i guess what do you do in the evening.
Just the two of us?
Mmm. straaaaaaange.
I think i'll do it.
I'll ask my mom for some money.
And we'll go out to dinner.
Why not?
:s

I miss you.

Why do i miss you all the time?
It's not fair.
Every day at 11:11am/pm i wish that you would send me an email asking to see me.
oddly enough if i do it enough times in a row it works!
I wish you would email me.
I think that you're the best person in my life, even if you aren't staying in my life.
I'm afraid that school will start and you won't talk to me anymore.
If you dissapear i don't know what i'll do.
I miss you because you listen to what i have to say when nobody else will.
I miss you because you never fail to make me smile.
I miss you because you are the only one that lifts me up when i'm on rock bottom.
I miss you because you get concerned if i post awful things on facebook.
I miss you because you are the only flawless adult i know.
I miss you because you have yet to crush me like everyone else has.
I miss you because you have the wildest most adorable children that also never fail to make me smile.
I miss you because you would care if i killed myself.
I miss you because you are the only one that has convinced me that maybe things will be okay.
I miss you because you accually care.
I just miss you okay.
So could you email me?
Even though i'm talking to nobody i hope that you know somehow just how much i miss you.
I'm so pathetic.

I'm so mad.

I can't find my exacto knife.
I thought it was in one of the boxes but my mom said she packed it elsewhere.
I really want to cut myself but I can't do it without my exacto knife.
And I accually want to build something out of my cans. Mrs.Brooks son is turning 3 so I decided I want to make a car out of the cans for him.
Sounds difficult but I'm going to attempt it when I can find the damn thing.
I want it back. :c

Moving sucks.

And so do my parents.
They're making me do most of the work.
Including bringing numerous heavy boxes up and down the stairs. I've been up and down those stairs at least fifty times in the past three days.
My stepdad told me today that "Good thing you're not my kid, cause i'd smack you in the mouth."
Wow, you're too kind.
I hope he dies a slow and painful death.
:3

My wish.

I hope that tomorrow will happen.
I've got to ask my mom, and make sure it's still on with the person.
Beause I would reeealllyyy love to go to her house.
Please Jesus?
If you're out there, just give me this.
That's all I ask.

Why do I love blaring music?

I especially love it through my headphones.
It's because I can ESCAPE. There is no better feeling than being able to 100% block people out.
If I could leave my headphones in all day everyday, I would.

Drama queen.

We were all talking about how we lost the house that we found a few blocks away from my school. My mom was talking about something with it sucking, and she said something semi positive-ish.
I said, "well that doesn't make it suck any less."
She said, "life sucks, get used to it."
I said, "if life sucks so bad then why bother living?"
She said, "whatever drama queen."
Thanks mom.
I've threatened all kinds of things like this.
She always calls me a drama queen.
Maybe I'll just dissapear, who's the drama queen now?

My moms in the other room on the phone.

And I can hear her talking to her friend about moving back to Canada. Then she started talking about me, she was just like: I know she would miss her friends and her school. I mean she did great last year, she didn't get into trouble and she got amazing grades. It just sucks because all of that would be ripped away from her."
She wouldn't feel bad. She's just saying that to her friend. I swear if we move I will seriously hurt myself.

More thoughts on the bible.

I realized that I can't have an opinion on the bible or God, because I know nothing about it. I have never read the bible and I have never heard the story of God.
So from now on if anybody asks me if I'm religous, all I can say is I don't know.
Because I don't. I'm not? Or am I? I just don't know.

I am opinionless when it comes to religion.

Another night.

Another fight.
Another cut on my arm.
And the suicidal thoughts continue to flow.
I miss the coolest 23year old I know.
I drew blood again, and i didn't feel a thing. I feel numb.

Blood.

I've never cut cut myself deeply. I've never cut far enough to see red.
Until now.
I just did.

Dream.

I always find something to think about before i go to bed. I usually think about everything. Last night my exacto knife came to mind, and I thought about cutting myself hard and deep. I fell asleep and I dreamt that I was in the counselors office at school and miss seay was asking me about the gash on my arm. Then all of a sudden I was somewhere with Mrs.Brooks, and I couldn't find an excuse why I had this cut on my arm. I panicked and woke up.
It was the strangest thing.

Alone.

I have been alone in my house for five whole days. Being alone in a house for five days not leaving is extra depressing.
I decided that maybe burning myself is a better idea than cutting myself. Easier to explain and probably more sanitary.

Everything still sucks.

Depression.

I found this quote on tumblr. 23,489 people have this posted on their blog.
“People think depression is about being sad. They think it’s just when you ‘feel down’. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no colour. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left.”

Anybody care to check mine out? Sweet, since I'm talking to nobody.
mysuicidalmind.tumblr.com

Interesting.

I just threatened suicide and all my stepdad had to say was yeah right.
They were talking about locking in my room with nothing and I said,
"do that and you might come back and I won't be alive."
"yeah right."
He has no idea.

Today was fun.

It feels good to have fun.
I haven't had real fun in a while.
I can't wait until I'm old enough to have kids of my own, then I can stop awing over everyone elses babies.

Depressing art.

I suck at expressing things through art. I wish I could portray how I'm feeling. I want to be able to just put it on paper. I wouldn't show my mom and i'd probably put security on it on facebook so she couldn't see it.
How do you draw missing someone?
How do you draw depression?
How do you draw suicidal thoughts?
How do you draw evil?
I just started typing how do you draw control, and I thought of puppet strings.
I've thought about drawing people jumping off of bridges and what not.
It's extremly frustrating.

I miss everything.

And everyone.
I miss Santiago, I miss Kristin, I miss Mrs.Brooks, I miss Mrs.Barnett, I miss all of my other teachers. The worst part is knowing that things will never be the same. It's all gone.

Threats.

If my "attitude" doesn't improve, I will be at home all the time. Wow, I'm already at home all the time. Then my stepfather told me that if it gets any worse, I get to go live with my dad. (they're gonna kick me out).
How LOVELY.
It's not an attitude, it's called depression. Look it up, oh wait! You guys aren't concerned enough to suspect anything like that.

Everybody says I'm sweet.

They all think I'm nice. It's not that i'm not nice. I'm accually really nice.
Wanna know why I'm so nice to everybody?
Because I figure, if I can't be happy, why not make other people happy?

My suicidal thoughts.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
Thanks helpguide.org, you were only like 5% helpful. I told someone, I told Mrs.Brooks. But I didn't specify why. She told me to email or call if I needed to. Maybe it's time to talk to someone in detail? I would want it to be her. Or maybe Mrs.Barnett. It's hard to deal with these thoughts all the time. I can only do one of the five tjings that are supposed to make me feel better.
Maybe I could just give someone the URL to my blog. That would be easier than explaining it.
Why is it so hard to tell someone?

Accidents happen.

Why don't my parents understand that?
I broke one of my moms glass candle holder. My stepdad bought them for her for Christmas. I was sliding the wooden placemats over and knocked it down. My mom started SCREAMING. I aplologized a hundred times and my stepdad walks in. In his rudest voice he said,
"it's fine, break the stuff that I bought your mom, not the stuff you bought her."
To which I replied, "it was an accident."
This is what set me off. I used the three hundred dollars that my dad gave me for christmas to buy my mom a one hundred dollar necklace. He said, "whatever, just don't be surprised if your moms necklace just randomly ends up in the trash."
"Are you kidding me?" I said as he left the room. I now lay under my covers while my dinner gets cold.
Why are my parents so cruel?

Mental hospital.

Anybody who has ever read this or is reading this, probably is covinced that I need to be institutionalized. I wouldn't mind getting away. I hope that if i do share this with people they won't try to tell my mom. She'd get crazy. She'd send me to a mental hospital. I would refuse therapy and she'd probably just ship me off to my dads house anyway.
So either way, if my mom found out she'd ship me away. Who wants to listen and deal with a depressed teenager anyways?

I drew a gun.

I was sitting in my room, feeling like a waste of space and I picked up my gun. It's plastic and shoots darts. It looks and feels really real. I was playing around and wishing it was real. I stuck it in my mouth and to my head and just wanted it to be real so badly. Instead of doing something stupid like finding a knife or something stupid like that, I drew it.
Everybody probably just thinks that i just wanted to draw a gun, but it's so much more than that.

Why are you depressed?

Maybe writing them down will help.
Four months ago I wrote a list, it seems that the list has extended and things have gotten a lot worse.
I'll number them, and they aren't organized in any specific order.

1. I miss school. Summer is boring and I don't see anyone because of reason number two.

2. John. My retarded stepdad who thinks I don't deserve anything but to be locked up in my room with nothing.

3. The only two people I know that haven't hurt me are teachers.

4. I miss my dad and my brothers. My dad is so nice, my little brother worships me (he's five) and even my big brother can be cool sometimes.

5. I'm stuck. Even if I wanted to live with my dad, my stepmom is equally as horrible as my stepdad.

6. I've had to leave everyone that I've ever loved. Everytime I've gotten attached, made best friends, and been happy, i moved and left them behind.

7. I probably won't graduate at west. I'll probably leave again, now that I'm attached and settled.

8. Every night at my house ends in an argument. Wether or not it's my stepdad and I or my mom and stepdad.

9. I never do get to see the friends that I have. I live miles away from them.

10. I'm not eighteen. I want to be free.

11. I feel older than I really am.

12. I feel alone, like few people really care.

13. I'm always grounded. My parents treat me like a screw up. It feels like I can't to anything right.

14. I have all of these dreams, and I'm afraid that I'll fail and neve accomplish any of them.

15. I just want to live, but I feel like i'm dying.

This list is almost triple the size that it was four months ago. I read that email Mrs.Brooks sent me when things get really bad. Killing myself seems like the only solution. I didn't feel like this last week, I don't know what happened.
But I know that killing myself is a permanent solution to my temporary problems.
Maybe everything will get better. I don't know what I'm gonna do if they don't.

Woah now, I'm coming clean.

I'm such a weird person. Nobody really read this, and I just went through and deleted a bunch of creepy posts.
You see, I used to have a crush on my teacher. *blushes at this embarrassment*
He was really hot.

The other person was a different teacher, but now I think that i was stupid, and would rather be friends with this teacher because he's cool. He wasn't even one of my teachers.

I also used to like Kyle, my kayak coach, which isn't that weird because he's only nineteen. He's my coach next year too and my crush probably won't fade.

Looking back I think that my crushes were really strange. I don't know why. Oh well, I just spilled my guts. Everybody reading this should feel special.

I'm going to scream.

Conversation about my stepdads broken flip flops:
"now I don't have any fking flip flops because you can't watch those fking dogs." John said.
"I don't have any either! But that's okay, I'll spend my money to buy myself some!"I said.
"No, you don't have to Celina." my mom said.
"You need to be buying school clothes," said John.
"for what? It's summer! I'm not buying school clothes in the middle of summer. And I only have forty bucks, how far do you think that's gonna get me? I'm going to buy some tanktops for the summer." I insisted.
"fine then, you don't get new school clothes this year. And why do you need tanktops? You're not going anywhere anyways."
"Oh yeah, I forgot I'm not allowed to have a life!" I almost screamed.
"that's right, you aren't." he said.
"just go to your room Celina." my mom said.
Now I'm sitting in my room.

My mom is amazing. She's in there fighting my case. She just said, "so she left to have a good time with her friend! For three to five days she did everything in this house and you did nothing! But instead of appriciating the twenty five or thirty things she did do, you're bitching because she missed two things!"

I wish I was anywhere but here right now.

Jesus.

I'm quite confused about my religon. My mom has never enforced anything until she met John. John has made me resent religon a little bit, but I'm open minded.
We used to go to church but we haven't in months. I like church. The people there are amazing. Christians are the best people. My mom raised me on Christian morals, but she never talked about the bible.
I'm open minded but I couldnt do it by myself.
Some of my favorite people are christians.

I started this blogin January.

And now everything has changed.I used to say that I feared death, because it took away my future but less than two weeks ago I was ready to end my own life. I used to worry because my parents would fight and scream and call cops and all kinds of other bull. Things will probably go back to that now that my mom misscarried again. I guess my life can get worse. Yipee.

But seriously, why does everything have to suck?

Kristin has her headphones in while she's sleeping.

So thankfully she won't hear me crying.
Why does everything have to be so awful? I've posted three times tonight because I don't know what else to do.
I'm falling apart.
The only two people that I know that haven't hurt me before are teachers. Mrs.Brooks, she's probably been the most supportive person in the world.
"I want you to know that it's going to be ok. Even on days when it seems like it won't, just know that it will be thinking about you and I am continuously praying for you, hoping you're having a good day. "
This made me cry even harder.
Maybe she's right. It's going to be okay, right?

Love and some verses.

Sitting in kristins pitch black room, staring at a ceiling that could possibly be the floor for all I know. Depressing music fills my ears and depressing thoughts cloud my mind.
Nobody even knows that I keep this blog. Except for Santiago, and I won't tell him the URL. I wish someone else would read it.
They'd find it if i killed myself. And they'd feel bad I'm sure, for not knowing, not paying close enough attention. My mom yells at me and says I'm 'pouting' when I feel like crap. Nice mom, real nice.

I'll just pretend like everything is okay, when really nothing is okay.

Kristin fell asleep.

Now I'm alone, and the thoughts are returning.
What do I do? I can't email Mrs.Brooks, because her grandma just died last night.
I can't email Mrs.Barnett because, well, I just can't. She's too... I don't know.

I just hate life again. Maybe it has something to do with school being out. Maybe it has something else to do with the fact that I just want to get this stupid teenage era over with. I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I should be in my twenties, but instead I'm stuck in this fourteen year old body. I hate everything. It's not that I want to die, I just want to sleep until I turn eighteen. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe a coma.

I'm praying for a coma to suck me out of this hell for the next three and a half years. Then I can return as a new soul, ready to live.

I was bored.

So I write my thoughts on my arm.
It started on my leg accually. I wrote summer sucks. Then I wrote zoo. Then I wrote teachers are my friends.
Then I moved it to my arm. I re-wrote teachers are my friends then made an arrow to I'm friends with 30 year olds.
I finished it off with the best thing ever.
I wrote: one of the coolest people I know is my 23 year old alegbra teacher.

Ah I'm so cool.

I'm friends with teachers.

I'm pretty sure my friends would think that's weird.
My favorite teacher that turned into my friend throughout this past year, is the only one that knows that I was depressed. I think that she told my other teacher, because she talks to me a lot now. She added me on facebook.
They talked about me hanging out with them and them somehow figuring out me going to art camp which is confusing. I'll ask my dad to pay for it.
I think it'd be kind of weird to hangout with my other teacher, mrs.barnett. She's kind of old and has three kids.
Mrs.Brooks, my friend, I would spend days at her house. I was thinking about that earlier. I would love to babysit her adorable kids. She's the coolest adult I know.
Oh well, I'm insane.

How long do you think it'd take me to walk across town?

Because I really don't want to be here.
Everythig sucks and I want to scream.

What a lovely summer I'm having.

My mom has given me a list of fifteen or so things to do today. Yesterday I cleaned the house and cooked dinner. I have to do the same thing again today, but today I have to find my stepdads keys and my moms flash drive.
For a second I cracked and started crying because it's hard. My mom comes by, "what the f@&$ is wrong with you? Get ahold of yourself." no thank you, or nothing. She's mad because I can't find her flash drive. She flipped out on me and told me that she does all this in half a day. My stepdad is too lazy to help out and I get that she's sick and can't do anything, but no need to kick me when I'm already down.

Why do I even bother?

I cooked dinner today since my mom is sick. My stepdad then starts to complain because I didn't get enough condiments Then he yelled at me and told methat I didn't do anything. Ah I hate him.

My mom

Just asked if me if my room was clean.
This would have been normal if she wasn't fresh out of surgery and sleeping.

That was scary.

My mom was supposed to be gone for two hours. She was gone for four. It would have been okay if she wasn't gone to surgery.
She misscarried last month. There was some mystery with her pregnancy. Beause she was misscarrying and her blood still read pregnant. They thought she might have a tube baby.
Turns out, it was a tube baby.
There was a tiny clot of what could have been a baby caught in her ovarie.
She left at two thirty, and I was scared that she wasn't coming back.

She finally came back, at six. Now my stepdad and her are cuddling and I'm hungry. I want food, and to go home.

Now we're not going anywhere?

This is stupid. My stepdad is more concerned about him sleeping and goingto work tomorrow to deal with my mom. He upset her and won't admit it. What a sick, twisted poor excuse for a man. My mom was on the floor weeping for an ambulence and he comes by and says, "Comon, I'll drop you off at the hospital," I wish he'd just die.
Wishing death upon someone isn't nice, but he shouldn't treat my mom like this.
If she dies tonight, idont know what I'd do.
What a perfect way to start my summer, i'm grounded for a week, there was a tornado, I'll miss school & my teachers, I haven't slept in three days and my mom is getting sicker?
I'm just praying that things get better.

This has been a roller coaster of a day,

Starting with John screaming and ending with no sleep and me sitting, waiting to go to the hospital. My stepdad upset my mom, and she's still sick. She's been up and about for an hour now and she needs someone to go with her.
I know it's the right thing to do, so I'll do it since John won't. I haven't slept in like three days.
This sucks.

Last day of school.

Breathe. No tears. No pain. Everything is going to be okay.

Summer is gonna suck.

I hate not going somewhere for a full day.
I can't wait until I'm old enough to drove and have my own car.
Then I could just leave,
But until then I'm stuck.
And it sucks.

The heart of life is good.

So I was irritated and sick at CFD today. I sat during a silly hypnotist assembly by myself with my face on the ledge.
Mrs.Brooks walks by and asks me if I'm alright. I shrug and say nah. She says okay and I finish by saying, thanks for asking.

Then after school, I sat in my normal spot. I was chewing on my finger vigourously. if I would have continued, I probably would have bled. I don't know why I was chewing on it, but I was. Mrs.Brooks comes out and even though she's on the phone, she asks me again if i'm alright. I say yes, and that I would tell her if something was wrong. I smiled my largest smile when she said, "okay, call if you need to."
I wanted to cry.

I got silver.

I missed it by like, a foot.
Kennedy, the person who beat me, left a retarded comment on my status.
It was about the epic tee shirts and the trophy and I put, I missed it a by less than a foot.
Kennedy commented, 'oh, it was a few feet, good job anyway'.
She was acting like a good sport.
Stupid beeetch.
Kinda screwed my day over.
But Im used to second, so she can just... There is no way to finish that sentence nicely. People need to learn how to shut their mouths. No need for judgements and poor sportsmanship? Oh well.
Hurray for my awesome tee shirt and epic medal.

Highlight of the year.

The thing on my mind has been the classic "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I've realized that nobody has ever said that to me. Teachers usually say that to students. What i would give for my teacher to say that to me.

Last month I said that. This month, today, Mrs.Brooks told me that. She does understand how much that meant to me.
She also gave me her number.

I no longer feel the need to kill myself. Maybe I just needed to know that somebody cared.

Raceday tomorrow. I'm gonna go kick some ass, with my attitude towards life.

I don't want this year to end.

It sucks.
It's making me want to kill myself again.
Maybe I will?
But I would do it at school.
So I only have this week to decide.
Do I really want to live?

I have to tell somebody.

About my depression.
I don't know who, but somebody has to know. I need to get it out of my system.
But how am I supposed to explain why, when I don't even know?
Who would I tell?
Does anybody care?

My mind is a terrible thing,

Never leave me alone with it.
I've been narratating my life in my head.
In first personal. My narritave voice is evolving and soon I won't be able to contain myself. I must write it down on paper. I'm using intricate imagry and descriptive language.

Oh my god.

I hate my life.
Kayaking is almost over.
K will only be at one practice.
Then he's leaving.
He won't be there on race day.
I'm gonna cry,
What if I never see him again?
Let's just hope that I'll be at west next year. Pleeease Jesus?
:c

You're wrong.

My stepdad thinks that I shouldn't do anything. He's wrong. I already don't do much, just art club and kayaking. My two favorite things in the whole wide world.

Today, Mrs.Brooks was like, why did your parents take your iPod away? And I responded by telling her that I questioned authority, which I did. And I followed with telling her that I'm not even supposed to have it at school, but that's the only rebellious thing I do. She responded by saying, "oh, you're such a terrible child, I don't know what I'd do with you!" she was being sarcastic. I said, "my parents tell me that, but they're not kidding." she hve me a look and continued on. Then when I was thinking about home I got all depressed and she caught on. I could never tell her why I'm depressed. It's humiliating. I'll give her that letter at the end of the year. I wrote it a couple of weeks ago.

K is still on my mind. All day every day. Saturday can't come fast enough.

Best thing I've heard in a long time.

If you love someone, tell him or her. forget the rules, or the fear of looking ridiculous. What's truly ridiculous is passing up on an appourtunity to te someone that your heart is invested in them.

I lovveee youuuu.

This week.

It was pretty great accually. I haven't posted positively in a little while.
Monday was kayak practice and turns out theguywiththeblueguitar (offically nicknaming him art.) is our other coach. Our college coach is adorable. I hate calling guys "cute" because it makes me feel young. Argh.

Tuesday I went to my friends house and pigged out like we always do, like bosses. Wednesday we went to the mall and it made me want money desparately. I want a jobbbbbb.

Thursday Payton came to art club with me, it was funn. Then today I got on stage for the second time ever to accept my honor roll certificate. For the first half of the day I wasn't very happy. We're writing letters to our senior selves and I can't get mine. It sucks to know that I won't be graduating at west. It makes me sad. But I went to sixth hour and everything was alright. Mrs.Brooks always seems to make life easier.
She saved my life. I wrote her a letter a week ago and I think I'll give it to her at the end of the year. Maybe she'll think I'm crazy or stupid or whatever. But I think that she deserves to know that she saved my life.

This week.

It was pretty great accually. I haven't posted positively in a little while.
Monday was kayak practice and turns out theguywiththeblueguitar (offically nicknaming him art.) is our other coach. Our college coach is adorable. I hate calling guys "cute" because it makes me feel young. Argh.

Tuesday I went to my friends house and pigged out like we always do, like bosses. Wednesday we went to the mall and it made me want money desparately. I want a jobbbbbb.

Thursday Payton came to art club with me, it was funn. Then today I got on stage for the second time ever to accept my honor roll certificate. For the first half of the day I wasn't very happy. We're writing letters to our senior selves and I can't get mine. It sucks to know that I won't be graduating at west. It makes me sad. But I went to sixth hour and everything was alright. Mrs.Brooks always seems to make life easier.
She saved my life. I wrote her a letter a week ago and I think I'll give it to her at the end of the year. Maybe she'll think I'm crazy or stupid or whatever. But I think that she deserves to know that she saved my life.

I never accually talk about my days.

I Just thought Id let the people that I know aren't reading that my previous lis of reasons why I'm depressed have grown. Some things have been eliminated and others added.

Let's talk about this week. On monday I got my flyers up and I wasn't too happy that people were tearing them down, that's the day that I wanted to die. I probably would have bailed last minute but it's the fact that I thought about it. Everything was better at kayak practice.

The week dragged on and on Thursday Bradley (my opponent) got his flyers. He had his stupid friends hang them. Cheerleaders. The cheerleaders and the artistic kids do not mix well. I wanted to tear their heads off. They put bradley's flyers on top of mine. I quietly told Alex Dawson the worst person at my school to go kill herself. She's an awful person and i wouldn't have said something like that to anybody but her.

Then on friday it was the big day. I left with 15 minutes left of 5th hour so we could get set up. As the students were shuffling in Mrs.Jensen called us behind stage. She told us that this was a dirty race and it shouldn't have gone the way it did. She talked about peoples friends be rude to eachother, people calling eachother bitxhes and a few other things that were mostly towards bradley, Brett and I. Needless to say i went out there and screwed up a couple of times. I did look hot though. I was satisfied with my dress and got many compliments. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. We went on to sixth hour and Mrs.J told usthat shed try to give us the results by the end of the day. They did it quickly and I was called during 6th hour to hear the results.
She announced that there would be a run off for historian. Then she announced it. "our sophomore vice president will be... Bradley baker." I was kinda discouraged. But she went on and told us our numbers. Bradley: 168 myself: 124 I was satisfied with being able to get 124 voters. It was a close race.

Then I took the walk of shame back to class. We were taking a math test. Before I left eveyone was saying goodjob and Mrs.Brooks told me that herself, Mrs.Bishop andMrs.Carnes picked up only two ballads with bradley on them.

I opened the door and everyone looked at me and I had to tell them I lost. It sucked. Mrs.Brooks thought I was messing with them. But sadly I wasn't. I went and told mrs.delancy my supporter and she thought for sure I was gonna win. I went on and Mrs.Liebel approached me and was all "it's okay, I was there when she said it" I told her it was fine and I'd be okay and continued to seventh hour.

Bradley is in my seventh hour and I didn't feel like seeing him. I put my headphones in and read Mr.Schatzels lips and followed instructions. I went to my corner after school and people were asking me if I won. I didn't win, so I told them no. As I got into my van my step dad John asked me what happened. I told him I wanted to call my mom and he flipped out. I told him and my mom that I lost and it's now Sunday and he hasn't said a wor to me. I don't care about his opinion I did my best.

On Saturday kayak practice was the best. I wa at the front of the group for once even though I was last into the water. With every stroke I thought about a different person I hated... Stroke "John" stroke "Alex Dawson"... Stroke "Brett ward" stroke... " bradley baker" stroke... "elections" stroke... "everybody that voted Bradley" stroke "the forty people off I was from winning" stroke... Etc.

It was my best practice yet and my cute coach Kyle was impressed. My starts were awesome. I had to wait an hour after practice but I felt good.

Tomorrow is going to be awesome. I'm gonna wait after school, then I'm walking to the boathouse to leave my stuff and then I'm gonna run. I'm gonna push my muscles till I can't feel them moving. I want to excersise until I forget the world and everybody in it. Then I think I'll draw someone kayaking.

Over all the best thing out of my entire week was Mrs.Brooks an kayaking.
Better luck next week?

I lost elections.

It wasn't as big of a deal loosing as I expected. My math teacher helped me. Shes awesome. One day last week, I really wanted to kill myself. (hence my post: don't kill yourself) she, like everyone else just assumed that I was taking people tearing my flyers down personally. But I wasn't. I'm not gonna explain why I was depressed. The bottom line was she pulled me into the hallway and told me I need to stay positive, and not let people get me down. That was perfect advice. I don't think I'll kill myself. I just want to go into a coma until I turn eighteen. Okay? No dying, just no waiting.

You weren't at the elections. Maybe that's how I lost. Oh well. I'll kick some @$$ next year. And I still made a speech in front of a Bunch of people that don't really care.

I don't want this school year to end. I love all of my teachers. What am I gonna do when I feel like kkilling myself next year and there's nobody to pull me into the hallway? I guess I'll just think about that day, maybe things will beokay.

I sure hope things will be okay.

I'd give up forever to touch you.

When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.

I know that you feel me somehow. All I can breathe is your life. I just don't want to miss you tonight.
You can't fight the tears that ain't comin'.
When everything feels like the movies, you bleed to just to know your alive.

Don't kill yourself.

Everything will be okay eventually.
I'll just tell myself this all the time, maybe then I'll believe it.
I wonder what my parents would have to say about me having suicidal thoughts. I have it all planned out. The way I would if I was gonna.
My parents would probably yell at me and tell me that I have no reason to be depressed.
Somebody get me through this nightmare.

One thought I thought I might add.

Nobody knows i'm depressed.
and they probably never will.


My math teacher is coming back. It's been two months, and i have a feeling she's gonna notice that something isn't right with me. What am I supposed to tell her?

I'm silent most of the time, with my headphones in. Everyone asks me what's wrong, and i put a fake smile on and say "Oh, nothing! I'm always happy..."

People expect me to be happy.

You have suffered enough.

I love this band. I would have never discovered them, without you.
I'm waiting to be inspired. I think that you could possibly inspire me. I can't wait untill next year. Only because i get to be in your class. That will be the highlight of my everyday.

This next week shall be hell. No school. This is nothing. What is summer gonna be like? I mean, atleast in summer my best friend will be here. She's in colorado, chilling with her preppy cousins.

I just finished reading this book. It's called speak. I definately recommend it to the people that don't read my blog. Because i know i'm talking to nobody. Maybe someday i'll publish this into a novel; after i get famous and stuff. Speak was an amazing book. I don't know why. I guess it's because I like the way the art teacher talks to her. He tells her "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I read that part about eighty times and then put the book down, and started my daily stare off with the ceiling.

I watched this movie, in computers. It was about a kid who shot himself at school. I think theres something seriously wrong with me. I thought that that would be a cool way to go. Everyone talking about you, like you accually mattered to them.

I'm excited to run for Vice President; but i know that if i lose i will be crushed.
Farewell, nobody.

PS: I suffer from severe Monophobia. [fear of being alone.] so it feels nice to know that nobody is listening. I promise i won't shoot up the school. I could never do that.

If i lay here, If i just lay here, would you lay with me? And just forget the word?

I want to dance to that song at my wedding.
I've been thinking about my future wedding a lot recently. I know exactly what i want. I know i'm a very scary adult stuck in a teenage body. I want to get married at night. On a rooftop, near a beautiful skyline. I want to be the only one wearing white; everybody else will be wearing red. My groom, will be dressed in all black, with a red tie. The Bridesmades will be in red dresses. The Best men, will be in tuxes, with red bow ties. It will be perfect. Is it sad that i even know how many kids i want?

I've been thinking a lot lately. I used to at least pretend, and look at things, now i just space out. It's strange, i know, but i think about everything.

I really wish that the day you asked me why i like art so much would repeat itself. Because after you asked me that, I put a lot of thought into it. More thought than any person ever should. I really wish i could get th chance to tell you the real reason why. Maybe i'll bring it up one day, in art club (if we ever have it again, it's been like a month!) i'll just say "Remember that time you asked me why I like art so much?" But if he doesn't remember i'm gonna feel like an idiot. and this is what i would say: I love art because art has never let me down, art has never done anything there. Art is an amazing thing. It's something that's world wide. Everyone can do it. I know it will always be there, and that gives me comfort, because i know i won't ever be left with nothing. Art will always be there, and i'll always have it.

That's perfect. I wish i could tell you that.
I purposely bump into you in the halls. Sad, isn't it?

It's been almost a month.

You would be surprised how much can happen in one month. Maybe not writing on here has been what's driving me crazy. Me and my own thoughts. Nobody else.

The thing on my mind has been the classic "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I've realized that nobody has ever said that to me. Teachers usually say that to students. What i would give for my teacher to say that to me.

I've considered recently putting my thoughts into art, but i can't bring myself to compose what's on my mind. I just sit there with my music blaring, hoping something comes walking through my mind. I can't draw the things that i want out of life, or the feelings i have.

I've been zoning out a lot recently. Day dreaming. My night dreams feature the re-occuring person. It's him. I'm happy about this. My heart melts when i see him smile. I could never tell anyone who this person really is. There are two people. One i see more often than the other. The one i see all the time has been showing up in my dreams. Over and over and over i just can't get him out.

Even happy things haven't cheered me up. My stepdad thinks I have nothing to be miserable, stressed, or insane over. I have school; school is a lot of pressure for me. I have to get good grades. I have to impress my teachers. I have to succeed. I have a biology test, and project due next week. I have a photography project due too. I hope my name is chosen to go on the field trip with my favourite teacher. I hope that I win Vice President. I was a little bit hesitant to run because of everything that happens in my life.

My mom is here waiting for my stepdad to come home, so they can fight. They fight all the time. it's unbearable. Knowing the circumstances. If one of them walks in my room i have to close the window. this has happened to me more than once.

I can't stop thinking about you, both of you, and everything. My brain is a mess. Help me? Somebody tell me that "i'm here if you ever want to talk." I would love to talk to someone, not a therapist, or a parent, or somebody my age. Is anybody out there?

What's wrong?

That's kind of a stupid question, depending on who it's coming from.
Like i'm going to tell you what's really wrong with me.
That's why you're here, right my blog?
Well let me think of some reasons why i'm depressed.
1. My stepdad is a horrible person. He cracks hurtful jokes at me, and my mother. He makes me go to church and tries (but fails) to get me involved with god. It's horrible.

2. Everyone I've ever gotten remotely close to is gone. Everytime i got attached, I moved away.

3. I miss my dad, and my sister, and my brothers. It's been a while since i've seen them.

4. I love all the wrong people. People that if anybody found out who were, would stop talking to me all together.

5. I never get to see my friends.

6. I probably won't make it here long enough to experience my freshman year at West, And i've chosen all the best classes, and everything i wanted as a class i got, in AP.

7. I can't continue, i need to stop crying.

Bottom line is my life sucks. I hate it. I have a roof over my head, food and clean clothes, but i feel like i'm treated like shit most of the time. It's unbearable. I need pills for my depression, it's getting that bad.

It would be interesting to have an adult accually listen to the things teenagers have to say.

But what do we know, right?

I wish i wasn't forced to go to Church. I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy. They just sing annoying songs. No disrespect if you enjoy it, but what do you expect? . I don't get why someone that doesn't believe in religion at all has to go to Church? It's not very fair on my part. But then again, until the day i turn eighteen do I really have a choice?

I started drawing a guitar on friday. It's still not finished. I drew it blue because the guitar you played that day was blue. That's your guitar. And I can't stop thinking about next year, and getting to see you every day. But I realized that next year, the person i love to see every-school-day, will be gone. i'll never see him again.

I feel like i'm talking to nobody. I doubt anybody accually reads my blog. That would be unacceptable. I don't expect people to read it. But it would be interesting if people did, just so i could feel heard. Think about if an adult were to talk to you like you talk to your friends. When i say adult i don't mean therapist or parent, but just an adult. Would they think you're crazy? Messed up? Insane? Just a teenager with mixed emotions? I'm very curious. It would be interesting to find out their thoughts, on my mind and wether or not i'm messed up.

I want to be an art teacher. I want to inspire people to do art. I want to teach great things to highschool students. Especially the ones that have potenial. Art is my thing, it's what makes me happy. Maybe it's the thought that i'll never be left with nothing. When everything else has failed me, art has always been there. Art has never hurt me, Cheated on my mom, Screwed me over, Abandoned me, Art is perfect in it's own little way. When i'm left with absolutely nothing, it's a nice feeling that you'll have something down inside of you. I want to be an art teacher because my art teachers have inspired me, gotten me invovled in the things that i now love. It's a nice thought to think that you could change someone's life just by offering them a pencil and some sketch paper. Art has changed my life for the better. It's kept me away from drugs, alchol, sex, addiction, all of that kind of stuff. When i'm sad, happy, angry, i can vent via art.


Monophobia : Fear of being alone.

We sit on front porches and swing life away.

Valentines day is going to be a horrible day.
it's just a reminder that i have such a long wait until i can accually find somebody to share it with.
I hope that the love of my life plans something special.
Because whoever he is, better have been worth the wait. because i'm sick of waiting.
I know that i'm not gonna fall in love now, because young love is stupid.
That's what driving me to insanity.
The Wait.
I'm counting the days untill i turn eighteen.
I just sucks that things have to be this way.

I hate living in this house.
If i didn't love my school, my mom, and my room i would leave. At least my stepmom faked liking me, my stepdad treats me like shit. I can't stand it anymore.

So if you heard of a teenager that has never done/seen/touched drugs, never smoked a cigarette, never had any sexual relations with anyone, never been drunk, never partied, why would you want to take everything that makes them happy away from them? What would be your reasoning?

I don't get it. I just don't. I haven't done anything wrong, and my stepfather has taken everything away from me. All i'm left with is my art and my mom. He took away my music, my television, my computer, my everything. It's just burning me to the core because i know i deserve better. I'm a straight A, clean highschool student. I should be able to do the things i want. But for some odd reason i'm not allowed. I haven't done anyhting wrong. The only flaw i'm missing out of the "perfect child picture" to me is that i don't have a religon. I just don't. It's something that has never occured to me to be important. I never did anything else.

I hate it when people try to force their religon on me. i don't care about what you believe in, that's not going to affect the way i like you, or my judgements about you. If you love god, then great! if you don't, that's great tooo.

I'm rotting from the inside out. I don't know how much more of this i can take.

I now know that i'm not alone.

*im about 45% "undiscovered territory"*i leave that territory undiscovered because i don't want to let someone in and crush everything with their judgments.
*i think that would ruin my head,
*if someone ruined my real thoughts.*): i've let two people in. one has understood.. but still has sooo much to learn.
*my real thoughts are disgusting. i disgust myself.
*i try to block them outt.*mine do too. they don't feel right. but what people call "right" might not always be right.
*what were the two people?*____. and _____. *______ has a lot to learn.*alllot.*are you sure you want to let him learn?
*distance is a horrible thing.
*i know, trust me.*im not letting him.*i have yet to let people there. mostly because, there is just so much, crammed in that small part of my brain. it would take hours to release it.
*who wants to waste their time listening to my thoughts anyways?*thats what im saying.. or atelast feel like.. *yeah. it's funny, i write things, that sound really good when i'm thinking about stuff.
*i wish i could have the ability to write like that in english.
*in english i'm stumped for words, but when i'm at home and thinking about things... it's just easy. i should just write a book. *ive thought about it tooo.*someday, i'll look through my secret blog, and i'll turn the posts into a book.*writing a book.
*yyyes.*that's the only reason i keep that thing.
*it's not tumblr.
*but i will.
*someday. when i'm old, and i can publish a book.
*a book that teenagers could relate to.
*a book that kids like us need.*god. everyone will suck when were old.
*at the rate its going.*yeah.
*doesn't it feel nice, to know that you're not the only one that afraid of their own mind? it gives me reassurance.
*for a long time i thought i was the only one.
*other kids our age: ' omg jersey shore! did you know that so and so is dating her? DID THEY REALLY SLEEP TOGETHER.' Us: What is happening. Where am i going. What is the meaning of this world.
*us, or maybe it's just me.*us.*:')
*i was sitting in class. just laughing at what runs through the minds of the girls our age.*seriously.. *this one girl today, she made my day.
*she was talking about jersey shore and i was laughing.
*and she's like what? and i was like, i just think jersey shore is stupid.
*and she laughed and agreed.
*then she went on to tell me that knowing little about me, she liked my personality.
*she said that iwas that girl that 'didn't give a fuck.'
*but i wasn't rude like the other people like that.
*i was the creative and happy kind.
*it made my day.*mhhm. im sure
*who was itt?*some girl.
*in my photography class.
*i don't remember her name
*ahhhhhhhhhh


i love my best friend so much. i didn't have anywhere else to save this conversation, this is the only place i can hide from everything.

The truth hurts.

Freshman whores.

The freshman at my highschool, are whores. most of them get drunk, high, smoke, they do everything. i mean, really? you're fourteen and fifteen year olds. it's disgusting. All of the seniors and juniors date the freshman girls because they think they're easy, and that's just wrong.
Freshman girls shouldn't be having sex. God, i'm glad i've been clean for this long. I'm proud to say that i've never been drunk, or had sex, or smoked cigarettes or weed. I plan to finish out highschool drug free and happy.

A wave of thoughts crashing through my brain.

So, What's on my mind?
Everything. constantly. It's driving me insane.
I'm in constant fear that i'm going to move and dissapear. I love oklahoma. I never thought i'd be saying this, but i truly have become attatched to this god forsaken place. Every time i think about leaving I want to cry. I don't know what it is about this place. It's just become the only home i know anymore. I moved a lot last year. but i've never stayed long enough in one place to become as attached as i am now. It's my school. and my friends. Nobody knows about anything, they all think everything in my life is just wonderful. The only person that knows the truth about me is my best friend. even then it's hard to tell her. I try to vent via art, but it hasn't been working for me recently. I have so many thoughts just running through my head. Thoughts about my future, thoughts about people, things, ideas, my head is just full of thoughts. I'm not old enough to be worrying about everything. but i am. every.single.day. i worry about where i'm gonna go to college, wether or not i'll be elligible for a scholarship, wether or not i'll ever fall in love? I want to fall in love. I want to be married. and have kids. but i'm too young to be thinking about things like that. but it runs through my head all the time. there is a blog on here, that i choose not to follow because i'm afraid that he'll find out that it's me. I love their blog because what they have is everything i want out of life. i found this blog by accident, but it's just so sweet and i find myself checking it daily to see if there are new posts. I have a fear of dying. Being so young and losing everything before i get the chance to expeirence life is my definition of hell. I want to live, i want to love somebody with every ounce of my being. I want to have beautiful children and grow old with the man of my dreams. I want to live in a beautiful house and watch the children play in the backyard. Every thing that runs through my mind has to do with the future. Regardless of how young i am, or how long it's gonna take untill i accually get these things i dream about, but my dreams are the only things that keep me sane now adays. I'm an aspiring artist. I love to paint and draw and all that good stuff. it makes me feel like something is real. I might not be very good but i love it. It's the only consistant thing i have anymore. i used to have a lot but after losing it all more than once the most important thing to me is art. I don't know what i'm going to do with my life. right now i'm currently a straight A student and i plan to keep it that way so i have choices with scholarships, but the thing is, i don't know what i want to be. it would be cool to be an art teacher but my mom probably wouldn't approve. she told me the other day that i shouldn't put my brain to waste. But i don't want to be a docter, and law school takes too long. I've considered things in criminology. There are just so many possibilities. I think studying criminal behavior would be cool. or something in computers and technology. i'm not a regular person. I think about things that people my age shouldn't think about. I figure, if i get straight A's all throughout highschool i'll be okay to make the descion when i come to it. I'm a shoe in for a scholarship if i get straight A's all through out highschool. i don't want to go to college in Oklahoma. i want to go somewhere exciting. i'd love to go to seattle. Or go to new york. I'm one small girl with a whole lot of dreams.

I ain't got no plan.

My sister seems to think if i keep a journal it will increase my creative thoughts.
She said that if i clear my mind it might clear my constant artist block.
So here goes nothing,