You're wrong.

My stepdad thinks that I shouldn't do anything. He's wrong. I already don't do much, just art club and kayaking. My two favorite things in the whole wide world.

Today, Mrs.Brooks was like, why did your parents take your iPod away? And I responded by telling her that I questioned authority, which I did. And I followed with telling her that I'm not even supposed to have it at school, but that's the only rebellious thing I do. She responded by saying, "oh, you're such a terrible child, I don't know what I'd do with you!" she was being sarcastic. I said, "my parents tell me that, but they're not kidding." she hve me a look and continued on. Then when I was thinking about home I got all depressed and she caught on. I could never tell her why I'm depressed. It's humiliating. I'll give her that letter at the end of the year. I wrote it a couple of weeks ago.

K is still on my mind. All day every day. Saturday can't come fast enough.

Best thing I've heard in a long time.

If you love someone, tell him or her. forget the rules, or the fear of looking ridiculous. What's truly ridiculous is passing up on an appourtunity to te someone that your heart is invested in them.

I lovveee youuuu.

This week.

It was pretty great accually. I haven't posted positively in a little while.
Monday was kayak practice and turns out theguywiththeblueguitar (offically nicknaming him art.) is our other coach. Our college coach is adorable. I hate calling guys "cute" because it makes me feel young. Argh.

Tuesday I went to my friends house and pigged out like we always do, like bosses. Wednesday we went to the mall and it made me want money desparately. I want a jobbbbbb.

Thursday Payton came to art club with me, it was funn. Then today I got on stage for the second time ever to accept my honor roll certificate. For the first half of the day I wasn't very happy. We're writing letters to our senior selves and I can't get mine. It sucks to know that I won't be graduating at west. It makes me sad. But I went to sixth hour and everything was alright. Mrs.Brooks always seems to make life easier.
She saved my life. I wrote her a letter a week ago and I think I'll give it to her at the end of the year. Maybe she'll think I'm crazy or stupid or whatever. But I think that she deserves to know that she saved my life.

This week.

It was pretty great accually. I haven't posted positively in a little while.
Monday was kayak practice and turns out theguywiththeblueguitar (offically nicknaming him art.) is our other coach. Our college coach is adorable. I hate calling guys "cute" because it makes me feel young. Argh.

Tuesday I went to my friends house and pigged out like we always do, like bosses. Wednesday we went to the mall and it made me want money desparately. I want a jobbbbbb.

Thursday Payton came to art club with me, it was funn. Then today I got on stage for the second time ever to accept my honor roll certificate. For the first half of the day I wasn't very happy. We're writing letters to our senior selves and I can't get mine. It sucks to know that I won't be graduating at west. It makes me sad. But I went to sixth hour and everything was alright. Mrs.Brooks always seems to make life easier.
She saved my life. I wrote her a letter a week ago and I think I'll give it to her at the end of the year. Maybe she'll think I'm crazy or stupid or whatever. But I think that she deserves to know that she saved my life.

I never accually talk about my days.

I Just thought Id let the people that I know aren't reading that my previous lis of reasons why I'm depressed have grown. Some things have been eliminated and others added.

Let's talk about this week. On monday I got my flyers up and I wasn't too happy that people were tearing them down, that's the day that I wanted to die. I probably would have bailed last minute but it's the fact that I thought about it. Everything was better at kayak practice.

The week dragged on and on Thursday Bradley (my opponent) got his flyers. He had his stupid friends hang them. Cheerleaders. The cheerleaders and the artistic kids do not mix well. I wanted to tear their heads off. They put bradley's flyers on top of mine. I quietly told Alex Dawson the worst person at my school to go kill herself. She's an awful person and i wouldn't have said something like that to anybody but her.

Then on friday it was the big day. I left with 15 minutes left of 5th hour so we could get set up. As the students were shuffling in Mrs.Jensen called us behind stage. She told us that this was a dirty race and it shouldn't have gone the way it did. She talked about peoples friends be rude to eachother, people calling eachother bitxhes and a few other things that were mostly towards bradley, Brett and I. Needless to say i went out there and screwed up a couple of times. I did look hot though. I was satisfied with my dress and got many compliments. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. We went on to sixth hour and Mrs.J told usthat shed try to give us the results by the end of the day. They did it quickly and I was called during 6th hour to hear the results.
She announced that there would be a run off for historian. Then she announced it. "our sophomore vice president will be... Bradley baker." I was kinda discouraged. But she went on and told us our numbers. Bradley: 168 myself: 124 I was satisfied with being able to get 124 voters. It was a close race.

Then I took the walk of shame back to class. We were taking a math test. Before I left eveyone was saying goodjob and Mrs.Brooks told me that herself, Mrs.Bishop andMrs.Carnes picked up only two ballads with bradley on them.

I opened the door and everyone looked at me and I had to tell them I lost. It sucked. Mrs.Brooks thought I was messing with them. But sadly I wasn't. I went and told mrs.delancy my supporter and she thought for sure I was gonna win. I went on and Mrs.Liebel approached me and was all "it's okay, I was there when she said it" I told her it was fine and I'd be okay and continued to seventh hour.

Bradley is in my seventh hour and I didn't feel like seeing him. I put my headphones in and read Mr.Schatzels lips and followed instructions. I went to my corner after school and people were asking me if I won. I didn't win, so I told them no. As I got into my van my step dad John asked me what happened. I told him I wanted to call my mom and he flipped out. I told him and my mom that I lost and it's now Sunday and he hasn't said a wor to me. I don't care about his opinion I did my best.

On Saturday kayak practice was the best. I wa at the front of the group for once even though I was last into the water. With every stroke I thought about a different person I hated... Stroke "John" stroke "Alex Dawson"... Stroke "Brett ward" stroke... " bradley baker" stroke... "elections" stroke... "everybody that voted Bradley" stroke "the forty people off I was from winning" stroke... Etc.

It was my best practice yet and my cute coach Kyle was impressed. My starts were awesome. I had to wait an hour after practice but I felt good.

Tomorrow is going to be awesome. I'm gonna wait after school, then I'm walking to the boathouse to leave my stuff and then I'm gonna run. I'm gonna push my muscles till I can't feel them moving. I want to excersise until I forget the world and everybody in it. Then I think I'll draw someone kayaking.

Over all the best thing out of my entire week was Mrs.Brooks an kayaking.
Better luck next week?

I lost elections.

It wasn't as big of a deal loosing as I expected. My math teacher helped me. Shes awesome. One day last week, I really wanted to kill myself. (hence my post: don't kill yourself) she, like everyone else just assumed that I was taking people tearing my flyers down personally. But I wasn't. I'm not gonna explain why I was depressed. The bottom line was she pulled me into the hallway and told me I need to stay positive, and not let people get me down. That was perfect advice. I don't think I'll kill myself. I just want to go into a coma until I turn eighteen. Okay? No dying, just no waiting.

You weren't at the elections. Maybe that's how I lost. Oh well. I'll kick some @$$ next year. And I still made a speech in front of a Bunch of people that don't really care.

I don't want this school year to end. I love all of my teachers. What am I gonna do when I feel like kkilling myself next year and there's nobody to pull me into the hallway? I guess I'll just think about that day, maybe things will beokay.

I sure hope things will be okay.

I'd give up forever to touch you.

When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.

I know that you feel me somehow. All I can breathe is your life. I just don't want to miss you tonight.
You can't fight the tears that ain't comin'.
When everything feels like the movies, you bleed to just to know your alive.

Don't kill yourself.

Everything will be okay eventually.
I'll just tell myself this all the time, maybe then I'll believe it.
I wonder what my parents would have to say about me having suicidal thoughts. I have it all planned out. The way I would if I was gonna.
My parents would probably yell at me and tell me that I have no reason to be depressed.
Somebody get me through this nightmare.