I was bored.

So I write my thoughts on my arm.
It started on my leg accually. I wrote summer sucks. Then I wrote zoo. Then I wrote teachers are my friends.
Then I moved it to my arm. I re-wrote teachers are my friends then made an arrow to I'm friends with 30 year olds.
I finished it off with the best thing ever.
I wrote: one of the coolest people I know is my 23 year old alegbra teacher.

Ah I'm so cool.

I'm friends with teachers.

I'm pretty sure my friends would think that's weird.
My favorite teacher that turned into my friend throughout this past year, is the only one that knows that I was depressed. I think that she told my other teacher, because she talks to me a lot now. She added me on facebook.
They talked about me hanging out with them and them somehow figuring out me going to art camp which is confusing. I'll ask my dad to pay for it.
I think it'd be kind of weird to hangout with my other teacher, mrs.barnett. She's kind of old and has three kids.
Mrs.Brooks, my friend, I would spend days at her house. I was thinking about that earlier. I would love to babysit her adorable kids. She's the coolest adult I know.
Oh well, I'm insane.

How long do you think it'd take me to walk across town?

Because I really don't want to be here.
Everythig sucks and I want to scream.

What a lovely summer I'm having.

My mom has given me a list of fifteen or so things to do today. Yesterday I cleaned the house and cooked dinner. I have to do the same thing again today, but today I have to find my stepdads keys and my moms flash drive.
For a second I cracked and started crying because it's hard. My mom comes by, "what the f@&$ is wrong with you? Get ahold of yourself." no thank you, or nothing. She's mad because I can't find her flash drive. She flipped out on me and told me that she does all this in half a day. My stepdad is too lazy to help out and I get that she's sick and can't do anything, but no need to kick me when I'm already down.

Why do I even bother?

I cooked dinner today since my mom is sick. My stepdad then starts to complain because I didn't get enough condiments Then he yelled at me and told methat I didn't do anything. Ah I hate him.

My mom

Just asked if me if my room was clean.
This would have been normal if she wasn't fresh out of surgery and sleeping.

That was scary.

My mom was supposed to be gone for two hours. She was gone for four. It would have been okay if she wasn't gone to surgery.
She misscarried last month. There was some mystery with her pregnancy. Beause she was misscarrying and her blood still read pregnant. They thought she might have a tube baby.
Turns out, it was a tube baby.
There was a tiny clot of what could have been a baby caught in her ovarie.
She left at two thirty, and I was scared that she wasn't coming back.

She finally came back, at six. Now my stepdad and her are cuddling and I'm hungry. I want food, and to go home.

Now we're not going anywhere?

This is stupid. My stepdad is more concerned about him sleeping and goingto work tomorrow to deal with my mom. He upset her and won't admit it. What a sick, twisted poor excuse for a man. My mom was on the floor weeping for an ambulence and he comes by and says, "Comon, I'll drop you off at the hospital," I wish he'd just die.
Wishing death upon someone isn't nice, but he shouldn't treat my mom like this.
If she dies tonight, idont know what I'd do.
What a perfect way to start my summer, i'm grounded for a week, there was a tornado, I'll miss school & my teachers, I haven't slept in three days and my mom is getting sicker?
I'm just praying that things get better.

This has been a roller coaster of a day,

Starting with John screaming and ending with no sleep and me sitting, waiting to go to the hospital. My stepdad upset my mom, and she's still sick. She's been up and about for an hour now and she needs someone to go with her.
I know it's the right thing to do, so I'll do it since John won't. I haven't slept in like three days.
This sucks.

Last day of school.

Breathe. No tears. No pain. Everything is going to be okay.

Summer is gonna suck.

I hate not going somewhere for a full day.
I can't wait until I'm old enough to drove and have my own car.
Then I could just leave,
But until then I'm stuck.
And it sucks.

The heart of life is good.

So I was irritated and sick at CFD today. I sat during a silly hypnotist assembly by myself with my face on the ledge.
Mrs.Brooks walks by and asks me if I'm alright. I shrug and say nah. She says okay and I finish by saying, thanks for asking.

Then after school, I sat in my normal spot. I was chewing on my finger vigourously. if I would have continued, I probably would have bled. I don't know why I was chewing on it, but I was. Mrs.Brooks comes out and even though she's on the phone, she asks me again if i'm alright. I say yes, and that I would tell her if something was wrong. I smiled my largest smile when she said, "okay, call if you need to."
I wanted to cry.

I got silver.

I missed it by like, a foot.
Kennedy, the person who beat me, left a retarded comment on my status.
It was about the epic tee shirts and the trophy and I put, I missed it a by less than a foot.
Kennedy commented, 'oh, it was a few feet, good job anyway'.
She was acting like a good sport.
Stupid beeetch.
Kinda screwed my day over.
But Im used to second, so she can just... There is no way to finish that sentence nicely. People need to learn how to shut their mouths. No need for judgements and poor sportsmanship? Oh well.
Hurray for my awesome tee shirt and epic medal.

Highlight of the year.

The thing on my mind has been the classic "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I've realized that nobody has ever said that to me. Teachers usually say that to students. What i would give for my teacher to say that to me.

Last month I said that. This month, today, Mrs.Brooks told me that. She does understand how much that meant to me.
She also gave me her number.

I no longer feel the need to kill myself. Maybe I just needed to know that somebody cared.

Raceday tomorrow. I'm gonna go kick some ass, with my attitude towards life.

I don't want this year to end.

It sucks.
It's making me want to kill myself again.
Maybe I will?
But I would do it at school.
So I only have this week to decide.
Do I really want to live?

I have to tell somebody.

About my depression.
I don't know who, but somebody has to know. I need to get it out of my system.
But how am I supposed to explain why, when I don't even know?
Who would I tell?
Does anybody care?

My mind is a terrible thing,

Never leave me alone with it.
I've been narratating my life in my head.
In first personal. My narritave voice is evolving and soon I won't be able to contain myself. I must write it down on paper. I'm using intricate imagry and descriptive language.

Oh my god.

I hate my life.
Kayaking is almost over.
K will only be at one practice.
Then he's leaving.
He won't be there on race day.
I'm gonna cry,
What if I never see him again?
Let's just hope that I'll be at west next year. Pleeease Jesus?
:c