Alone.

I have been alone in my house for five whole days. Being alone in a house for five days not leaving is extra depressing.
I decided that maybe burning myself is a better idea than cutting myself. Easier to explain and probably more sanitary.

Everything still sucks.

Depression.

I found this quote on tumblr. 23,489 people have this posted on their blog.
“People think depression is about being sad. They think it’s just when you ‘feel down’. It’s not. It’s like a darkness that creeps over you and fills you. It drains all your emotions. It takes everything from you, and leaves you feeling hollow and numb. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s hopelessness. Imagine waking up and there being no colour. Walking outside and feeling no wind. Eating a meal and tasting nothing. Holding someone and feeling completely alone at the same time. When you’re depressed, it’s not a bad mood. It’s a numb, empty, hollowness that seems to never leave. It’s feeling alone in a room full of people. You feel like there’s no hope left.”

Anybody care to check mine out? Sweet, since I'm talking to nobody.
mysuicidalmind.tumblr.com

Interesting.

I just threatened suicide and all my stepdad had to say was yeah right.
They were talking about locking in my room with nothing and I said,
"do that and you might come back and I won't be alive."
"yeah right."
He has no idea.

Today was fun.

It feels good to have fun.
I haven't had real fun in a while.
I can't wait until I'm old enough to have kids of my own, then I can stop awing over everyone elses babies.

Depressing art.

I suck at expressing things through art. I wish I could portray how I'm feeling. I want to be able to just put it on paper. I wouldn't show my mom and i'd probably put security on it on facebook so she couldn't see it.
How do you draw missing someone?
How do you draw depression?
How do you draw suicidal thoughts?
How do you draw evil?
I just started typing how do you draw control, and I thought of puppet strings.
I've thought about drawing people jumping off of bridges and what not.
It's extremly frustrating.

I miss everything.

And everyone.
I miss Santiago, I miss Kristin, I miss Mrs.Brooks, I miss Mrs.Barnett, I miss all of my other teachers. The worst part is knowing that things will never be the same. It's all gone.

Threats.

If my "attitude" doesn't improve, I will be at home all the time. Wow, I'm already at home all the time. Then my stepfather told me that if it gets any worse, I get to go live with my dad. (they're gonna kick me out).
How LOVELY.
It's not an attitude, it's called depression. Look it up, oh wait! You guys aren't concerned enough to suspect anything like that.

Everybody says I'm sweet.

They all think I'm nice. It's not that i'm not nice. I'm accually really nice.
Wanna know why I'm so nice to everybody?
Because I figure, if I can't be happy, why not make other people happy?

My suicidal thoughts.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_help.htm
Thanks helpguide.org, you were only like 5% helpful. I told someone, I told Mrs.Brooks. But I didn't specify why. She told me to email or call if I needed to. Maybe it's time to talk to someone in detail? I would want it to be her. Or maybe Mrs.Barnett. It's hard to deal with these thoughts all the time. I can only do one of the five tjings that are supposed to make me feel better.
Maybe I could just give someone the URL to my blog. That would be easier than explaining it.
Why is it so hard to tell someone?

Accidents happen.

Why don't my parents understand that?
I broke one of my moms glass candle holder. My stepdad bought them for her for Christmas. I was sliding the wooden placemats over and knocked it down. My mom started SCREAMING. I aplologized a hundred times and my stepdad walks in. In his rudest voice he said,
"it's fine, break the stuff that I bought your mom, not the stuff you bought her."
To which I replied, "it was an accident."
This is what set me off. I used the three hundred dollars that my dad gave me for christmas to buy my mom a one hundred dollar necklace. He said, "whatever, just don't be surprised if your moms necklace just randomly ends up in the trash."
"Are you kidding me?" I said as he left the room. I now lay under my covers while my dinner gets cold.
Why are my parents so cruel?

Mental hospital.

Anybody who has ever read this or is reading this, probably is covinced that I need to be institutionalized. I wouldn't mind getting away. I hope that if i do share this with people they won't try to tell my mom. She'd get crazy. She'd send me to a mental hospital. I would refuse therapy and she'd probably just ship me off to my dads house anyway.
So either way, if my mom found out she'd ship me away. Who wants to listen and deal with a depressed teenager anyways?

I drew a gun.

I was sitting in my room, feeling like a waste of space and I picked up my gun. It's plastic and shoots darts. It looks and feels really real. I was playing around and wishing it was real. I stuck it in my mouth and to my head and just wanted it to be real so badly. Instead of doing something stupid like finding a knife or something stupid like that, I drew it.
Everybody probably just thinks that i just wanted to draw a gun, but it's so much more than that.

Why are you depressed?

Maybe writing them down will help.
Four months ago I wrote a list, it seems that the list has extended and things have gotten a lot worse.
I'll number them, and they aren't organized in any specific order.

1. I miss school. Summer is boring and I don't see anyone because of reason number two.

2. John. My retarded stepdad who thinks I don't deserve anything but to be locked up in my room with nothing.

3. The only two people I know that haven't hurt me are teachers.

4. I miss my dad and my brothers. My dad is so nice, my little brother worships me (he's five) and even my big brother can be cool sometimes.

5. I'm stuck. Even if I wanted to live with my dad, my stepmom is equally as horrible as my stepdad.

6. I've had to leave everyone that I've ever loved. Everytime I've gotten attached, made best friends, and been happy, i moved and left them behind.

7. I probably won't graduate at west. I'll probably leave again, now that I'm attached and settled.

8. Every night at my house ends in an argument. Wether or not it's my stepdad and I or my mom and stepdad.

9. I never do get to see the friends that I have. I live miles away from them.

10. I'm not eighteen. I want to be free.

11. I feel older than I really am.

12. I feel alone, like few people really care.

13. I'm always grounded. My parents treat me like a screw up. It feels like I can't to anything right.

14. I have all of these dreams, and I'm afraid that I'll fail and neve accomplish any of them.

15. I just want to live, but I feel like i'm dying.

This list is almost triple the size that it was four months ago. I read that email Mrs.Brooks sent me when things get really bad. Killing myself seems like the only solution. I didn't feel like this last week, I don't know what happened.
But I know that killing myself is a permanent solution to my temporary problems.
Maybe everything will get better. I don't know what I'm gonna do if they don't.

Woah now, I'm coming clean.

I'm such a weird person. Nobody really read this, and I just went through and deleted a bunch of creepy posts.
You see, I used to have a crush on my teacher. *blushes at this embarrassment*
He was really hot.

The other person was a different teacher, but now I think that i was stupid, and would rather be friends with this teacher because he's cool. He wasn't even one of my teachers.

I also used to like Kyle, my kayak coach, which isn't that weird because he's only nineteen. He's my coach next year too and my crush probably won't fade.

Looking back I think that my crushes were really strange. I don't know why. Oh well, I just spilled my guts. Everybody reading this should feel special.

I'm going to scream.

Conversation about my stepdads broken flip flops:
"now I don't have any fking flip flops because you can't watch those fking dogs." John said.
"I don't have any either! But that's okay, I'll spend my money to buy myself some!"I said.
"No, you don't have to Celina." my mom said.
"You need to be buying school clothes," said John.
"for what? It's summer! I'm not buying school clothes in the middle of summer. And I only have forty bucks, how far do you think that's gonna get me? I'm going to buy some tanktops for the summer." I insisted.
"fine then, you don't get new school clothes this year. And why do you need tanktops? You're not going anywhere anyways."
"Oh yeah, I forgot I'm not allowed to have a life!" I almost screamed.
"that's right, you aren't." he said.
"just go to your room Celina." my mom said.
Now I'm sitting in my room.

My mom is amazing. She's in there fighting my case. She just said, "so she left to have a good time with her friend! For three to five days she did everything in this house and you did nothing! But instead of appriciating the twenty five or thirty things she did do, you're bitching because she missed two things!"

I wish I was anywhere but here right now.

Jesus.

I'm quite confused about my religon. My mom has never enforced anything until she met John. John has made me resent religon a little bit, but I'm open minded.
We used to go to church but we haven't in months. I like church. The people there are amazing. Christians are the best people. My mom raised me on Christian morals, but she never talked about the bible.
I'm open minded but I couldnt do it by myself.
Some of my favorite people are christians.

I started this blogin January.

And now everything has changed.I used to say that I feared death, because it took away my future but less than two weeks ago I was ready to end my own life. I used to worry because my parents would fight and scream and call cops and all kinds of other bull. Things will probably go back to that now that my mom misscarried again. I guess my life can get worse. Yipee.

But seriously, why does everything have to suck?

Kristin has her headphones in while she's sleeping.

So thankfully she won't hear me crying.
Why does everything have to be so awful? I've posted three times tonight because I don't know what else to do.
I'm falling apart.
The only two people that I know that haven't hurt me before are teachers. Mrs.Brooks, she's probably been the most supportive person in the world.
"I want you to know that it's going to be ok. Even on days when it seems like it won't, just know that it will be thinking about you and I am continuously praying for you, hoping you're having a good day. "
This made me cry even harder.
Maybe she's right. It's going to be okay, right?

Love and some verses.

Sitting in kristins pitch black room, staring at a ceiling that could possibly be the floor for all I know. Depressing music fills my ears and depressing thoughts cloud my mind.
Nobody even knows that I keep this blog. Except for Santiago, and I won't tell him the URL. I wish someone else would read it.
They'd find it if i killed myself. And they'd feel bad I'm sure, for not knowing, not paying close enough attention. My mom yells at me and says I'm 'pouting' when I feel like crap. Nice mom, real nice.

I'll just pretend like everything is okay, when really nothing is okay.

Kristin fell asleep.

Now I'm alone, and the thoughts are returning.
What do I do? I can't email Mrs.Brooks, because her grandma just died last night.
I can't email Mrs.Barnett because, well, I just can't. She's too... I don't know.

I just hate life again. Maybe it has something to do with school being out. Maybe it has something else to do with the fact that I just want to get this stupid teenage era over with. I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I should be in my twenties, but instead I'm stuck in this fourteen year old body. I hate everything. It's not that I want to die, I just want to sleep until I turn eighteen. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe a coma.

I'm praying for a coma to suck me out of this hell for the next three and a half years. Then I can return as a new soul, ready to live.