So, What's on my mind?
Everything. constantly. It's driving me insane.
I'm in constant fear that i'm going to move and dissapear. I love oklahoma. I never thought i'd be saying this, but i truly have become attatched to this god forsaken place. Every time i think about leaving I want to cry. I don't know what it is about this place. It's just become the only home i know anymore. I moved a lot last year. but i've never stayed long enough in one place to become as attached as i am now. It's my school. and my friends. Nobody knows about anything, they all think everything in my life is just wonderful. The only person that knows the truth about me is my best friend. even then it's hard to tell her. I try to vent via art, but it hasn't been working for me recently. I have so many thoughts just running through my head. Thoughts about my future, thoughts about people, things, ideas, my head is just full of thoughts. I'm not old enough to be worrying about everything. but i am. every.single.day. i worry about where i'm gonna go to college, wether or not i'll be elligible for a scholarship, wether or not i'll ever fall in love? I want to fall in love. I want to be married. and have kids. but i'm too young to be thinking about things like that. but it runs through my head all the time. there is a blog on here, that i choose not to follow because i'm afraid that he'll find out that it's me. I love their blog because what they have is everything i want out of life. i found this blog by accident, but it's just so sweet and i find myself checking it daily to see if there are new posts. I have a fear of dying. Being so young and losing everything before i get the chance to expeirence life is my definition of hell. I want to live, i want to love somebody with every ounce of my being. I want to have beautiful children and grow old with the man of my dreams. I want to live in a beautiful house and watch the children play in the backyard. Every thing that runs through my mind has to do with the future. Regardless of how young i am, or how long it's gonna take untill i accually get these things i dream about, but my dreams are the only things that keep me sane now adays. I'm an aspiring artist. I love to paint and draw and all that good stuff. it makes me feel like something is real. I might not be very good but i love it. It's the only consistant thing i have anymore. i used to have a lot but after losing it all more than once the most important thing to me is art. I don't know what i'm going to do with my life. right now i'm currently a straight A student and i plan to keep it that way so i have choices with scholarships, but the thing is, i don't know what i want to be. it would be cool to be an art teacher but my mom probably wouldn't approve. she told me the other day that i shouldn't put my brain to waste. But i don't want to be a docter, and law school takes too long. I've considered things in criminology. There are just so many possibilities. I think studying criminal behavior would be cool. or something in computers and technology. i'm not a regular person. I think about things that people my age shouldn't think about. I figure, if i get straight A's all throughout highschool i'll be okay to make the descion when i come to it. I'm a shoe in for a scholarship if i get straight A's all through out highschool. i don't want to go to college in Oklahoma. i want to go somewhere exciting. i'd love to go to seattle. Or go to new york. I'm one small girl with a whole lot of dreams.
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