What's wrong?

That's kind of a stupid question, depending on who it's coming from.
Like i'm going to tell you what's really wrong with me.
That's why you're here, right my blog?
Well let me think of some reasons why i'm depressed.
1. My stepdad is a horrible person. He cracks hurtful jokes at me, and my mother. He makes me go to church and tries (but fails) to get me involved with god. It's horrible.

2. Everyone I've ever gotten remotely close to is gone. Everytime i got attached, I moved away.

3. I miss my dad, and my sister, and my brothers. It's been a while since i've seen them.

4. I love all the wrong people. People that if anybody found out who were, would stop talking to me all together.

5. I never get to see my friends.

6. I probably won't make it here long enough to experience my freshman year at West, And i've chosen all the best classes, and everything i wanted as a class i got, in AP.

7. I can't continue, i need to stop crying.

Bottom line is my life sucks. I hate it. I have a roof over my head, food and clean clothes, but i feel like i'm treated like shit most of the time. It's unbearable. I need pills for my depression, it's getting that bad.

It would be interesting to have an adult accually listen to the things teenagers have to say.

But what do we know, right?

I wish i wasn't forced to go to Church. I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy. They just sing annoying songs. No disrespect if you enjoy it, but what do you expect? . I don't get why someone that doesn't believe in religion at all has to go to Church? It's not very fair on my part. But then again, until the day i turn eighteen do I really have a choice?

I started drawing a guitar on friday. It's still not finished. I drew it blue because the guitar you played that day was blue. That's your guitar. And I can't stop thinking about next year, and getting to see you every day. But I realized that next year, the person i love to see every-school-day, will be gone. i'll never see him again.

I feel like i'm talking to nobody. I doubt anybody accually reads my blog. That would be unacceptable. I don't expect people to read it. But it would be interesting if people did, just so i could feel heard. Think about if an adult were to talk to you like you talk to your friends. When i say adult i don't mean therapist or parent, but just an adult. Would they think you're crazy? Messed up? Insane? Just a teenager with mixed emotions? I'm very curious. It would be interesting to find out their thoughts, on my mind and wether or not i'm messed up.

I want to be an art teacher. I want to inspire people to do art. I want to teach great things to highschool students. Especially the ones that have potenial. Art is my thing, it's what makes me happy. Maybe it's the thought that i'll never be left with nothing. When everything else has failed me, art has always been there. Art has never hurt me, Cheated on my mom, Screwed me over, Abandoned me, Art is perfect in it's own little way. When i'm left with absolutely nothing, it's a nice feeling that you'll have something down inside of you. I want to be an art teacher because my art teachers have inspired me, gotten me invovled in the things that i now love. It's a nice thought to think that you could change someone's life just by offering them a pencil and some sketch paper. Art has changed my life for the better. It's kept me away from drugs, alchol, sex, addiction, all of that kind of stuff. When i'm sad, happy, angry, i can vent via art.


Monophobia : Fear of being alone.

We sit on front porches and swing life away.

Valentines day is going to be a horrible day.
it's just a reminder that i have such a long wait until i can accually find somebody to share it with.
I hope that the love of my life plans something special.
Because whoever he is, better have been worth the wait. because i'm sick of waiting.
I know that i'm not gonna fall in love now, because young love is stupid.
That's what driving me to insanity.
The Wait.
I'm counting the days untill i turn eighteen.
I just sucks that things have to be this way.

I hate living in this house.
If i didn't love my school, my mom, and my room i would leave. At least my stepmom faked liking me, my stepdad treats me like shit. I can't stand it anymore.

So if you heard of a teenager that has never done/seen/touched drugs, never smoked a cigarette, never had any sexual relations with anyone, never been drunk, never partied, why would you want to take everything that makes them happy away from them? What would be your reasoning?

I don't get it. I just don't. I haven't done anything wrong, and my stepfather has taken everything away from me. All i'm left with is my art and my mom. He took away my music, my television, my computer, my everything. It's just burning me to the core because i know i deserve better. I'm a straight A, clean highschool student. I should be able to do the things i want. But for some odd reason i'm not allowed. I haven't done anyhting wrong. The only flaw i'm missing out of the "perfect child picture" to me is that i don't have a religon. I just don't. It's something that has never occured to me to be important. I never did anything else.

I hate it when people try to force their religon on me. i don't care about what you believe in, that's not going to affect the way i like you, or my judgements about you. If you love god, then great! if you don't, that's great tooo.

I'm rotting from the inside out. I don't know how much more of this i can take.

I now know that i'm not alone.

*im about 45% "undiscovered territory"*i leave that territory undiscovered because i don't want to let someone in and crush everything with their judgments.
*i think that would ruin my head,
*if someone ruined my real thoughts.*): i've let two people in. one has understood.. but still has sooo much to learn.
*my real thoughts are disgusting. i disgust myself.
*i try to block them outt.*mine do too. they don't feel right. but what people call "right" might not always be right.
*what were the two people?*____. and _____. *______ has a lot to learn.*alllot.*are you sure you want to let him learn?
*distance is a horrible thing.
*i know, trust me.*im not letting him.*i have yet to let people there. mostly because, there is just so much, crammed in that small part of my brain. it would take hours to release it.
*who wants to waste their time listening to my thoughts anyways?*thats what im saying.. or atelast feel like.. *yeah. it's funny, i write things, that sound really good when i'm thinking about stuff.
*i wish i could have the ability to write like that in english.
*in english i'm stumped for words, but when i'm at home and thinking about things... it's just easy. i should just write a book. *ive thought about it tooo.*someday, i'll look through my secret blog, and i'll turn the posts into a book.*writing a book.
*yyyes.*that's the only reason i keep that thing.
*it's not tumblr.
*but i will.
*someday. when i'm old, and i can publish a book.
*a book that teenagers could relate to.
*a book that kids like us need.*god. everyone will suck when were old.
*at the rate its going.*yeah.
*doesn't it feel nice, to know that you're not the only one that afraid of their own mind? it gives me reassurance.
*for a long time i thought i was the only one.
*other kids our age: ' omg jersey shore! did you know that so and so is dating her? DID THEY REALLY SLEEP TOGETHER.' Us: What is happening. Where am i going. What is the meaning of this world.
*us, or maybe it's just me.*us.*:')
*i was sitting in class. just laughing at what runs through the minds of the girls our age.*seriously.. *this one girl today, she made my day.
*she was talking about jersey shore and i was laughing.
*and she's like what? and i was like, i just think jersey shore is stupid.
*and she laughed and agreed.
*then she went on to tell me that knowing little about me, she liked my personality.
*she said that iwas that girl that 'didn't give a fuck.'
*but i wasn't rude like the other people like that.
*i was the creative and happy kind.
*it made my day.*mhhm. im sure
*who was itt?*some girl.
*in my photography class.
*i don't remember her name
*ahhhhhhhhhh


i love my best friend so much. i didn't have anywhere else to save this conversation, this is the only place i can hide from everything.

The truth hurts.

Freshman whores.

The freshman at my highschool, are whores. most of them get drunk, high, smoke, they do everything. i mean, really? you're fourteen and fifteen year olds. it's disgusting. All of the seniors and juniors date the freshman girls because they think they're easy, and that's just wrong.
Freshman girls shouldn't be having sex. God, i'm glad i've been clean for this long. I'm proud to say that i've never been drunk, or had sex, or smoked cigarettes or weed. I plan to finish out highschool drug free and happy.

A wave of thoughts crashing through my brain.

So, What's on my mind?
Everything. constantly. It's driving me insane.
I'm in constant fear that i'm going to move and dissapear. I love oklahoma. I never thought i'd be saying this, but i truly have become attatched to this god forsaken place. Every time i think about leaving I want to cry. I don't know what it is about this place. It's just become the only home i know anymore. I moved a lot last year. but i've never stayed long enough in one place to become as attached as i am now. It's my school. and my friends. Nobody knows about anything, they all think everything in my life is just wonderful. The only person that knows the truth about me is my best friend. even then it's hard to tell her. I try to vent via art, but it hasn't been working for me recently. I have so many thoughts just running through my head. Thoughts about my future, thoughts about people, things, ideas, my head is just full of thoughts. I'm not old enough to be worrying about everything. but i am. every.single.day. i worry about where i'm gonna go to college, wether or not i'll be elligible for a scholarship, wether or not i'll ever fall in love? I want to fall in love. I want to be married. and have kids. but i'm too young to be thinking about things like that. but it runs through my head all the time. there is a blog on here, that i choose not to follow because i'm afraid that he'll find out that it's me. I love their blog because what they have is everything i want out of life. i found this blog by accident, but it's just so sweet and i find myself checking it daily to see if there are new posts. I have a fear of dying. Being so young and losing everything before i get the chance to expeirence life is my definition of hell. I want to live, i want to love somebody with every ounce of my being. I want to have beautiful children and grow old with the man of my dreams. I want to live in a beautiful house and watch the children play in the backyard. Every thing that runs through my mind has to do with the future. Regardless of how young i am, or how long it's gonna take untill i accually get these things i dream about, but my dreams are the only things that keep me sane now adays. I'm an aspiring artist. I love to paint and draw and all that good stuff. it makes me feel like something is real. I might not be very good but i love it. It's the only consistant thing i have anymore. i used to have a lot but after losing it all more than once the most important thing to me is art. I don't know what i'm going to do with my life. right now i'm currently a straight A student and i plan to keep it that way so i have choices with scholarships, but the thing is, i don't know what i want to be. it would be cool to be an art teacher but my mom probably wouldn't approve. she told me the other day that i shouldn't put my brain to waste. But i don't want to be a docter, and law school takes too long. I've considered things in criminology. There are just so many possibilities. I think studying criminal behavior would be cool. or something in computers and technology. i'm not a regular person. I think about things that people my age shouldn't think about. I figure, if i get straight A's all throughout highschool i'll be okay to make the descion when i come to it. I'm a shoe in for a scholarship if i get straight A's all through out highschool. i don't want to go to college in Oklahoma. i want to go somewhere exciting. i'd love to go to seattle. Or go to new york. I'm one small girl with a whole lot of dreams.