I drew a gun.

I was sitting in my room, feeling like a waste of space and I picked up my gun. It's plastic and shoots darts. It looks and feels really real. I was playing around and wishing it was real. I stuck it in my mouth and to my head and just wanted it to be real so badly. Instead of doing something stupid like finding a knife or something stupid like that, I drew it.
Everybody probably just thinks that i just wanted to draw a gun, but it's so much more than that.

Why are you depressed?

Maybe writing them down will help.
Four months ago I wrote a list, it seems that the list has extended and things have gotten a lot worse.
I'll number them, and they aren't organized in any specific order.

1. I miss school. Summer is boring and I don't see anyone because of reason number two.

2. John. My retarded stepdad who thinks I don't deserve anything but to be locked up in my room with nothing.

3. The only two people I know that haven't hurt me are teachers.

4. I miss my dad and my brothers. My dad is so nice, my little brother worships me (he's five) and even my big brother can be cool sometimes.

5. I'm stuck. Even if I wanted to live with my dad, my stepmom is equally as horrible as my stepdad.

6. I've had to leave everyone that I've ever loved. Everytime I've gotten attached, made best friends, and been happy, i moved and left them behind.

7. I probably won't graduate at west. I'll probably leave again, now that I'm attached and settled.

8. Every night at my house ends in an argument. Wether or not it's my stepdad and I or my mom and stepdad.

9. I never do get to see the friends that I have. I live miles away from them.

10. I'm not eighteen. I want to be free.

11. I feel older than I really am.

12. I feel alone, like few people really care.

13. I'm always grounded. My parents treat me like a screw up. It feels like I can't to anything right.

14. I have all of these dreams, and I'm afraid that I'll fail and neve accomplish any of them.

15. I just want to live, but I feel like i'm dying.

This list is almost triple the size that it was four months ago. I read that email Mrs.Brooks sent me when things get really bad. Killing myself seems like the only solution. I didn't feel like this last week, I don't know what happened.
But I know that killing myself is a permanent solution to my temporary problems.
Maybe everything will get better. I don't know what I'm gonna do if they don't.

Woah now, I'm coming clean.

I'm such a weird person. Nobody really read this, and I just went through and deleted a bunch of creepy posts.
You see, I used to have a crush on my teacher. *blushes at this embarrassment*
He was really hot.

The other person was a different teacher, but now I think that i was stupid, and would rather be friends with this teacher because he's cool. He wasn't even one of my teachers.

I also used to like Kyle, my kayak coach, which isn't that weird because he's only nineteen. He's my coach next year too and my crush probably won't fade.

Looking back I think that my crushes were really strange. I don't know why. Oh well, I just spilled my guts. Everybody reading this should feel special.

I'm going to scream.

Conversation about my stepdads broken flip flops:
"now I don't have any fking flip flops because you can't watch those fking dogs." John said.
"I don't have any either! But that's okay, I'll spend my money to buy myself some!"I said.
"No, you don't have to Celina." my mom said.
"You need to be buying school clothes," said John.
"for what? It's summer! I'm not buying school clothes in the middle of summer. And I only have forty bucks, how far do you think that's gonna get me? I'm going to buy some tanktops for the summer." I insisted.
"fine then, you don't get new school clothes this year. And why do you need tanktops? You're not going anywhere anyways."
"Oh yeah, I forgot I'm not allowed to have a life!" I almost screamed.
"that's right, you aren't." he said.
"just go to your room Celina." my mom said.
Now I'm sitting in my room.

My mom is amazing. She's in there fighting my case. She just said, "so she left to have a good time with her friend! For three to five days she did everything in this house and you did nothing! But instead of appriciating the twenty five or thirty things she did do, you're bitching because she missed two things!"

I wish I was anywhere but here right now.

Jesus.

I'm quite confused about my religon. My mom has never enforced anything until she met John. John has made me resent religon a little bit, but I'm open minded.
We used to go to church but we haven't in months. I like church. The people there are amazing. Christians are the best people. My mom raised me on Christian morals, but she never talked about the bible.
I'm open minded but I couldnt do it by myself.
Some of my favorite people are christians.

I started this blogin January.

And now everything has changed.I used to say that I feared death, because it took away my future but less than two weeks ago I was ready to end my own life. I used to worry because my parents would fight and scream and call cops and all kinds of other bull. Things will probably go back to that now that my mom misscarried again. I guess my life can get worse. Yipee.

But seriously, why does everything have to suck?

Kristin has her headphones in while she's sleeping.

So thankfully she won't hear me crying.
Why does everything have to be so awful? I've posted three times tonight because I don't know what else to do.
I'm falling apart.
The only two people that I know that haven't hurt me before are teachers. Mrs.Brooks, she's probably been the most supportive person in the world.
"I want you to know that it's going to be ok. Even on days when it seems like it won't, just know that it will be thinking about you and I am continuously praying for you, hoping you're having a good day. "
This made me cry even harder.
Maybe she's right. It's going to be okay, right?