I lost elections.

It wasn't as big of a deal loosing as I expected. My math teacher helped me. Shes awesome. One day last week, I really wanted to kill myself. (hence my post: don't kill yourself) she, like everyone else just assumed that I was taking people tearing my flyers down personally. But I wasn't. I'm not gonna explain why I was depressed. The bottom line was she pulled me into the hallway and told me I need to stay positive, and not let people get me down. That was perfect advice. I don't think I'll kill myself. I just want to go into a coma until I turn eighteen. Okay? No dying, just no waiting.

You weren't at the elections. Maybe that's how I lost. Oh well. I'll kick some @$$ next year. And I still made a speech in front of a Bunch of people that don't really care.

I don't want this school year to end. I love all of my teachers. What am I gonna do when I feel like kkilling myself next year and there's nobody to pull me into the hallway? I guess I'll just think about that day, maybe things will beokay.

I sure hope things will be okay.

I'd give up forever to touch you.

When everythings made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.

I know that you feel me somehow. All I can breathe is your life. I just don't want to miss you tonight.
You can't fight the tears that ain't comin'.
When everything feels like the movies, you bleed to just to know your alive.

Don't kill yourself.

Everything will be okay eventually.
I'll just tell myself this all the time, maybe then I'll believe it.
I wonder what my parents would have to say about me having suicidal thoughts. I have it all planned out. The way I would if I was gonna.
My parents would probably yell at me and tell me that I have no reason to be depressed.
Somebody get me through this nightmare.

One thought I thought I might add.

Nobody knows i'm depressed.
and they probably never will.


My math teacher is coming back. It's been two months, and i have a feeling she's gonna notice that something isn't right with me. What am I supposed to tell her?

I'm silent most of the time, with my headphones in. Everyone asks me what's wrong, and i put a fake smile on and say "Oh, nothing! I'm always happy..."

People expect me to be happy.

You have suffered enough.

I love this band. I would have never discovered them, without you.
I'm waiting to be inspired. I think that you could possibly inspire me. I can't wait untill next year. Only because i get to be in your class. That will be the highlight of my everyday.

This next week shall be hell. No school. This is nothing. What is summer gonna be like? I mean, atleast in summer my best friend will be here. She's in colorado, chilling with her preppy cousins.

I just finished reading this book. It's called speak. I definately recommend it to the people that don't read my blog. Because i know i'm talking to nobody. Maybe someday i'll publish this into a novel; after i get famous and stuff. Speak was an amazing book. I don't know why. I guess it's because I like the way the art teacher talks to her. He tells her "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I read that part about eighty times and then put the book down, and started my daily stare off with the ceiling.

I watched this movie, in computers. It was about a kid who shot himself at school. I think theres something seriously wrong with me. I thought that that would be a cool way to go. Everyone talking about you, like you accually mattered to them.

I'm excited to run for Vice President; but i know that if i lose i will be crushed.
Farewell, nobody.

PS: I suffer from severe Monophobia. [fear of being alone.] so it feels nice to know that nobody is listening. I promise i won't shoot up the school. I could never do that.

If i lay here, If i just lay here, would you lay with me? And just forget the word?

I want to dance to that song at my wedding.
I've been thinking about my future wedding a lot recently. I know exactly what i want. I know i'm a very scary adult stuck in a teenage body. I want to get married at night. On a rooftop, near a beautiful skyline. I want to be the only one wearing white; everybody else will be wearing red. My groom, will be dressed in all black, with a red tie. The Bridesmades will be in red dresses. The Best men, will be in tuxes, with red bow ties. It will be perfect. Is it sad that i even know how many kids i want?

I've been thinking a lot lately. I used to at least pretend, and look at things, now i just space out. It's strange, i know, but i think about everything.

I really wish that the day you asked me why i like art so much would repeat itself. Because after you asked me that, I put a lot of thought into it. More thought than any person ever should. I really wish i could get th chance to tell you the real reason why. Maybe i'll bring it up one day, in art club (if we ever have it again, it's been like a month!) i'll just say "Remember that time you asked me why I like art so much?" But if he doesn't remember i'm gonna feel like an idiot. and this is what i would say: I love art because art has never let me down, art has never done anything there. Art is an amazing thing. It's something that's world wide. Everyone can do it. I know it will always be there, and that gives me comfort, because i know i won't ever be left with nothing. Art will always be there, and i'll always have it.

That's perfect. I wish i could tell you that.
I purposely bump into you in the halls. Sad, isn't it?

It's been almost a month.

You would be surprised how much can happen in one month. Maybe not writing on here has been what's driving me crazy. Me and my own thoughts. Nobody else.

The thing on my mind has been the classic "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I've realized that nobody has ever said that to me. Teachers usually say that to students. What i would give for my teacher to say that to me.

I've considered recently putting my thoughts into art, but i can't bring myself to compose what's on my mind. I just sit there with my music blaring, hoping something comes walking through my mind. I can't draw the things that i want out of life, or the feelings i have.

I've been zoning out a lot recently. Day dreaming. My night dreams feature the re-occuring person. It's him. I'm happy about this. My heart melts when i see him smile. I could never tell anyone who this person really is. There are two people. One i see more often than the other. The one i see all the time has been showing up in my dreams. Over and over and over i just can't get him out.

Even happy things haven't cheered me up. My stepdad thinks I have nothing to be miserable, stressed, or insane over. I have school; school is a lot of pressure for me. I have to get good grades. I have to impress my teachers. I have to succeed. I have a biology test, and project due next week. I have a photography project due too. I hope my name is chosen to go on the field trip with my favourite teacher. I hope that I win Vice President. I was a little bit hesitant to run because of everything that happens in my life.

My mom is here waiting for my stepdad to come home, so they can fight. They fight all the time. it's unbearable. Knowing the circumstances. If one of them walks in my room i have to close the window. this has happened to me more than once.

I can't stop thinking about you, both of you, and everything. My brain is a mess. Help me? Somebody tell me that "i'm here if you ever want to talk." I would love to talk to someone, not a therapist, or a parent, or somebody my age. Is anybody out there?