Woah now, I'm coming clean.

I'm such a weird person. Nobody really read this, and I just went through and deleted a bunch of creepy posts.
You see, I used to have a crush on my teacher. *blushes at this embarrassment*
He was really hot.

The other person was a different teacher, but now I think that i was stupid, and would rather be friends with this teacher because he's cool. He wasn't even one of my teachers.

I also used to like Kyle, my kayak coach, which isn't that weird because he's only nineteen. He's my coach next year too and my crush probably won't fade.

Looking back I think that my crushes were really strange. I don't know why. Oh well, I just spilled my guts. Everybody reading this should feel special.

I'm going to scream.

Conversation about my stepdads broken flip flops:
"now I don't have any fking flip flops because you can't watch those fking dogs." John said.
"I don't have any either! But that's okay, I'll spend my money to buy myself some!"I said.
"No, you don't have to Celina." my mom said.
"You need to be buying school clothes," said John.
"for what? It's summer! I'm not buying school clothes in the middle of summer. And I only have forty bucks, how far do you think that's gonna get me? I'm going to buy some tanktops for the summer." I insisted.
"fine then, you don't get new school clothes this year. And why do you need tanktops? You're not going anywhere anyways."
"Oh yeah, I forgot I'm not allowed to have a life!" I almost screamed.
"that's right, you aren't." he said.
"just go to your room Celina." my mom said.
Now I'm sitting in my room.

My mom is amazing. She's in there fighting my case. She just said, "so she left to have a good time with her friend! For three to five days she did everything in this house and you did nothing! But instead of appriciating the twenty five or thirty things she did do, you're bitching because she missed two things!"

I wish I was anywhere but here right now.

Jesus.

I'm quite confused about my religon. My mom has never enforced anything until she met John. John has made me resent religon a little bit, but I'm open minded.
We used to go to church but we haven't in months. I like church. The people there are amazing. Christians are the best people. My mom raised me on Christian morals, but she never talked about the bible.
I'm open minded but I couldnt do it by myself.
Some of my favorite people are christians.

I started this blogin January.

And now everything has changed.I used to say that I feared death, because it took away my future but less than two weeks ago I was ready to end my own life. I used to worry because my parents would fight and scream and call cops and all kinds of other bull. Things will probably go back to that now that my mom misscarried again. I guess my life can get worse. Yipee.

But seriously, why does everything have to suck?

Kristin has her headphones in while she's sleeping.

So thankfully she won't hear me crying.
Why does everything have to be so awful? I've posted three times tonight because I don't know what else to do.
I'm falling apart.
The only two people that I know that haven't hurt me before are teachers. Mrs.Brooks, she's probably been the most supportive person in the world.
"I want you to know that it's going to be ok. Even on days when it seems like it won't, just know that it will be thinking about you and I am continuously praying for you, hoping you're having a good day. "
This made me cry even harder.
Maybe she's right. It's going to be okay, right?

Love and some verses.

Sitting in kristins pitch black room, staring at a ceiling that could possibly be the floor for all I know. Depressing music fills my ears and depressing thoughts cloud my mind.
Nobody even knows that I keep this blog. Except for Santiago, and I won't tell him the URL. I wish someone else would read it.
They'd find it if i killed myself. And they'd feel bad I'm sure, for not knowing, not paying close enough attention. My mom yells at me and says I'm 'pouting' when I feel like crap. Nice mom, real nice.

I'll just pretend like everything is okay, when really nothing is okay.

Kristin fell asleep.

Now I'm alone, and the thoughts are returning.
What do I do? I can't email Mrs.Brooks, because her grandma just died last night.
I can't email Mrs.Barnett because, well, I just can't. She's too... I don't know.

I just hate life again. Maybe it has something to do with school being out. Maybe it has something else to do with the fact that I just want to get this stupid teenage era over with. I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like I should be in my twenties, but instead I'm stuck in this fourteen year old body. I hate everything. It's not that I want to die, I just want to sleep until I turn eighteen. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe a coma.

I'm praying for a coma to suck me out of this hell for the next three and a half years. Then I can return as a new soul, ready to live.