I got silver.

I missed it by like, a foot.
Kennedy, the person who beat me, left a retarded comment on my status.
It was about the epic tee shirts and the trophy and I put, I missed it a by less than a foot.
Kennedy commented, 'oh, it was a few feet, good job anyway'.
She was acting like a good sport.
Stupid beeetch.
Kinda screwed my day over.
But Im used to second, so she can just... There is no way to finish that sentence nicely. People need to learn how to shut their mouths. No need for judgements and poor sportsmanship? Oh well.
Hurray for my awesome tee shirt and epic medal.

Highlight of the year.

The thing on my mind has been the classic "I'm here if you ever want to talk." I've realized that nobody has ever said that to me. Teachers usually say that to students. What i would give for my teacher to say that to me.

Last month I said that. This month, today, Mrs.Brooks told me that. She does understand how much that meant to me.
She also gave me her number.

I no longer feel the need to kill myself. Maybe I just needed to know that somebody cared.

Raceday tomorrow. I'm gonna go kick some ass, with my attitude towards life.

I don't want this year to end.

It sucks.
It's making me want to kill myself again.
Maybe I will?
But I would do it at school.
So I only have this week to decide.
Do I really want to live?

I have to tell somebody.

About my depression.
I don't know who, but somebody has to know. I need to get it out of my system.
But how am I supposed to explain why, when I don't even know?
Who would I tell?
Does anybody care?

My mind is a terrible thing,

Never leave me alone with it.
I've been narratating my life in my head.
In first personal. My narritave voice is evolving and soon I won't be able to contain myself. I must write it down on paper. I'm using intricate imagry and descriptive language.

Oh my god.

I hate my life.
Kayaking is almost over.
K will only be at one practice.
Then he's leaving.
He won't be there on race day.
I'm gonna cry,
What if I never see him again?
Let's just hope that I'll be at west next year. Pleeease Jesus?
:c

You're wrong.

My stepdad thinks that I shouldn't do anything. He's wrong. I already don't do much, just art club and kayaking. My two favorite things in the whole wide world.

Today, Mrs.Brooks was like, why did your parents take your iPod away? And I responded by telling her that I questioned authority, which I did. And I followed with telling her that I'm not even supposed to have it at school, but that's the only rebellious thing I do. She responded by saying, "oh, you're such a terrible child, I don't know what I'd do with you!" she was being sarcastic. I said, "my parents tell me that, but they're not kidding." she hve me a look and continued on. Then when I was thinking about home I got all depressed and she caught on. I could never tell her why I'm depressed. It's humiliating. I'll give her that letter at the end of the year. I wrote it a couple of weeks ago.

K is still on my mind. All day every day. Saturday can't come fast enough.